You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
