a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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