it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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