Hey man sorry I got all grabby
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
