Your mouth is God's brothel.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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