so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Everclear isn't food dammit
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Randomize