she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
The Olympian is in my bed
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
