I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
