please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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