when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
