question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
