Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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