Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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