I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
