I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
