i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
