This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
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