Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i love accidental penises.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
