nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
