It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
