Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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