this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
