no, he came in my armpit
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
