Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
So much rum. So many feels.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
So much Jack, so little girl.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
