She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
