saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
