I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
