I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Randomize
