I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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