I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize