Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Randomize
