conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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