she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I just forgot I was standing up.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Randomize
