How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize