yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
