You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize