I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Randomize
