You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
ugly people sure do ruin things
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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