Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
