go do what you do best...puke behind churches
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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