Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
