So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize