how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize