I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
