I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
