im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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