shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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