The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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