Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
