my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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