so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
