I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize