Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
