i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
