I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
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