someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
