You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize