i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
