I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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